Steady in the Storm: Chapter 18 – To the Depth you are Forgiven
“It was no longer Rhett’s brokenness that was preventing restoration in our lives, it was mine and I didn’t want to stand in the way any longer.”
This is a super hard time of year for a lot of people. I remember where Rhett and I were at this time last year, it was one of the darkest times of my life. Rhett had recently come out of treatment, but we were living apart due to the metal head space I was in. I was not ready for Rhett to be home, I was not ready to step out of my pain, I was not ready to forgive and accept the redemption Rhett was going through. I wanted Rhett to hurt for all the hurt I had experienced. I wanted justice for the way our marriage had gone. I wanted the redemption and grace for myself, and I wanted him to suffer.
Pretty dark of me hey? I was not in a good place. I was having nightmares almost nightly and the emotional weight of it all seemed to cement me to my bed, making it near impossible to get out from under the covers in the morning. I felt far from God and all that was associated with him repulsed me. It took the reading of a secular book for me to acknowledge that Rhett was no longer the one harming are marriage and redemption, it was me. It was my attitude, my lack of forgiveness, my refusal to access the grace of Jesus.
I was weary. I couldn’t take anymore. I was desperate for answers, but I wanted them to be my answers. I wanted things to pan out as I foresaw them.
There is a line in a very popular Christmas Carol that would strike me every time I sang it, but I never felt it’s full gravity until I had experienced weariness beyond my strength.
Oh holy night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear savior’s birth
Long lay the world in sin and error, pining
‘Til He appeared and the soul felt it’s worth
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn’
“A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices”
To rejoice when you are weary is so foreign. When you are weary celebration is the last thing on your mind. Unless there is something worth celebrating. The Christmas Season is our time to reflect on how Christ came to a weary world to give the people hope. To give them something to cling to, hope is coming, salvation is coming. Your way out of your weariness is coming.
I remember when Rhett and I attended church together for the first time after he came home. Being December 22nd the worship set was full of carols, O Holy Night is a given. I sobbed and sobbed at the line, “A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices“. My body and mind were so weary, but my soul felt the worth and it was rejoicing. It was a contrast that clashed inside of me, causing me to weep the truth that surpassed my understanding.
This has been a weary year, we are all at our limits, but our souls know something different, they know the worth of the saviour. The soul knows there is rejoicing to be done, it knows there is a thrill of hope in all of it. Be reminded this Christmas that there was a time when the whole world was weary, yet it rejoiced for the coming of it’s promised king. We are weary, but we can rejoice in the fact that our God is with us.
I posted on Instagram last year about this revelation that was going on inside me. I had seen a photo pop up on my time line that I resonated with. It was a colourized photo from the war, a woman taking in the devastation war had continually brought to her town. It caused me to reflect and celebrate the fact that God came to rebuild us, to restructure our understanding of his love and his ability to abolish our weariness.
As this year ends I think of how many times I was bombed down, then, miraculously with the help of Jesus, rebuilt myself. As Christmas approaches I am thankful Jesus came to a broken world to be the light and hope it needed. No matter how your year was, how did Jesus meet you and help you rebuild? This is the soul reason he came as that little baby, to join humanity, to feel it’s pain, to walk along side the broken, to be humanity’s hope and strength in the darkest of times. I would not be here without Jesus. He is the Hope of the World, the Joy TO the World, Emmanuel, God WITH us. I don’t have a single Christmas decoration up right now, no tree is trimmed, it’s raining not snowing, I have not played a single Christmas song in my house, or done any gift purchasing, no lights are up, but I feel the Christmas spirit very strongly in exactly where I am at in my story. The Weary World Rejoices and I have been at my weariest this year, and I rejoice God came to save us from ourselves.